Why Am I Still Single?

Has anyone seen this show?

I haven't watched it yet because that matchmaker's name is Siggy and I don't trust anyone named Siggy. (Sorry if your name is Siggy).

But I am a big fan of this show...

I even applied online to be on the show. Judge away. Hopefully, the reason they didn't choose me is because I'm not psycho enough. Yeah...let's go with that.

Okay...now on to the real reason of this post. This little post is gonna make you married people go home and kiss your spouses and thank heavens that you still don't have to put up with dumb boys. And for you single girls, it'll make you enjoy your own dating life.

Let's start from the beginning.

This time last year, I "dated" a short dude. Legit...shorter and skinnier than me. I put "dated" in quotes because the extent of our so-called relationship was spent on his couch watching movies.

There was never a wine and dine, unless you count the time I went to the bar where he worked and he poured me wine that I paid for.

I remember when I would get ready to go over to his apartment I would have to be conscious of the shoes I chose. With flats, he was the same height as me. I might have even had an inch on him even then.

We stopped hanging out...he got a girlfriend...but then around April...we started talking again. We had agreed to go out to dinner one night UNTIL that afternoon I get a text from him saying that he was going to "tear up some pizza at Chuck E. Cheese." Um...really? You ARE a 30 year old child trapped in a small 12 year olds body.

He said he was going there with his niece but still. You're gonna skip out on a (in my opinion) hot date for some 2 year old?

Moving on...

Earlier this summer, I met a guy at a bar. You know how that goes? If you don't, I won't tell you. Turns out I knew this guy from my days back in Columbia, SC while I was in college.

It worked out for a while. He text, he called, he e-mailed, he asked me on dates and followed through with them. He had just moved to Greenville so I was pretty much his "tour guide of fun."

One afternoon I was at his house and we were joking around when I asked "have you been to jail before?" He looked at me and replied "yes." I thought he might be joking, but he went on to tell me it was a misunderstanding. That's all I remember of the convo. I didn't ask what it was for because honestly I was too afraid to know.

The internet is a powerful thing. Immediately at work the next day I perused the criminal records online and BAM!...found that while in high school he was arrested for criminal domestic violence.

I can't make this shit up.

We still communicated after that because I tried to rationalize with myself that he had a good job and had this been a huge ordeal he wouldn't have been able to get said job.

Long story short...about 2 months later he had a girlfriend via Facebook (you know it's serious when it's Facebook official) and according to Facebook just this week they are currently living together. Maybe I should message her and let her know to check out homeboy's record online.

To make matters worse...I have the pleasure of running into "the criminal" and his current gal almost every time I'm downtown. Lucky me.

On to the next one...

At my old roommates wedding in early September, I met a guy. A mutual friend introduced us and told me that he thought I was "cute."

He had a facial piercing that I wasn't too fond of and some serious tats on his arms. He was cute so I didn't mind it. And he was young...just the way I like them.

Well, we eventually exchanged numbers and given my past dating scenarios, I decided to do some digging FIRST before we got too deep.

I emailed my roommates mom to find out the skinny on this fella.

She told me..."he's a really sweet guy...but he has an eye disease and is going blind."

I swear! I'm not making this up.

Well, this relationship was strictly textual. He had a hard time with asking me out. He would always mention how he wanted to hang out and I would tell him when I could but I would have to do all the work. It was rough. Someone teach these boys...PLEASE.

That's the end of my story. I hope it makes you feel better about your life. It should.

If you know any TALL, LAW-ABIDING guys with NO degenerative diseases please send them my way. They must also know how to ask a girl out properly and keep those dates. Is that really too much to ask?!