still sucking at dating.

i've done MANY posts about being single and dating.  

you the most recent ones here // here // here // and here.

i'm here to report...it's not getting any better.  (at least not for me).

so please excuse me while I vent out all my frustrations in this post. but this is where I can be my most vulnerable.  I don't have to bother my friends with my dating woes.  I can just put it here, on this blog, and let it all out.

i've been on a numerous amount of dates over the past year or so.  i've exchanged many text messages with guys over the past year.  i'm 31 years old...i've been dating for almost half of my life.  you would think I would have this all figured out by now.  well, I don't.

it's always hard seeing someone you used to date out with his new girlfriend.  especially if it's only been a few months since you stopped dating each other.  but the worst is when you see that person just got engaged. I can't even hate...because she's a normal looking girl and I could probably be friends with her.

this isn't the first time this has happened to me.  but this is the worst i've felt upon seeing it.

let me tell you...dating sucks.  it's complicated.  there are so many "rules" and you're constantly second guessing yourself.  

"should you kiss on the first date?"

"is it okay to have sex on the first date? or will he think you're a slut?"

"should you text him first?" 

"when should you call him after a date?"

"when do you have the DTR talk?"

"does he still like me?"

i realize that when it happens "you'll know" and i know how to recognize all the signs if a guy is truly into you.  because I've been there...when he's into me and when he's not.  

but my biggest question is..."why not me?" what am I doing wrong that I'm not worthy to be a fiance' or a wife or a girlfriend? why am I not the first person you text in the morning and the last person you talk to at night?  i've been there before and then the minute it's over, he's with someone new and the relationship is loud and clear on social media.

it's hard being 30+ and single.  it's hard trying to pay your bills, make sure your shit is together, go to work, save money, stay healthy, hang out with friends, AND date.  it's hard going through life where you're constantly surrounded by married friends and happy babies.  (trust me...i adore ALL my married friends and ALL of their babies). especially when you're getting asked "so are you dating anyone?" or my personal favorite "why are you still single?" bitch, i'm trying.

i'm tired of hearing..."it'll happen when you least expect it"...great...but that's not going to work for me b/c I'm constantly thinking about it.  how I'm going to be 40 and unmarried with ovaries with 2 piles of dust for ovaries.  i've tried match, tinder, getting set up by friends, meeting guys at bars, etc.  i'm always open minded.  i just want someone to adore me...love me...respect me...accept my weirdness...my love for rap music and my hatred for country music.

if you are someone you know, knows what the hell i'm doing wrong with my life...please let me know.  because i'm clueless at this point.

but let me be upset for a few days.  drink barrels of alcohol.  and sleep this off.  and then next week maybe I can abide by the mantra below.

50 questions I've never been asked.

I saw these questions as part of a YouTube tag on Mama Kat's blog, but I don't want to do a YouTube video and no one wants to see me do one, so I'm gonna make you read these suckers instead.

1. What’s your favorite candle scent? pumpkin or evergreen (whatever smells like a christmas tree)
2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister? chrissy teigen
3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother? john krasinski...is it okay to want to have sex with your dream celebrity brother?
4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? hell if I know, probably like 85 at the rate i'm going.
5. Do you know a hoarder? ariel from the little mermaid
6. Can you do a split? no. 
7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike? I got my first bike for my 6th birthday. that's hella old. (I also believed in Santa Claus until I was like 11)
8. How many oceans have you swam in? 1 - atlantic
9. How many countries have you been to? 3 - Dominican Republic (not sure if that counts, but I had to use my passport so I'm counting it), Canada, and France
10. Is anyone in your family in the army? not currently
11. What would you name your daughter if you had one? I have a list...but at the top is Keaton
12. What would you name your son if you had one? I have a list (not as long)...but at the top is Crawford
13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test? don't remember...but i've failed a class a time or two.
14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child? don't make me choose!!!!! Salute Your Shorts, Clarissa Explains It All, Home Improvement (JTT!), Hey, Dude!, basically anything on Nickelodeon
15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight? that's a very specific age that I do not recall, but I once was a Clemson cheerleader for Halloween when I was little and being a Gamecock fan (now) that makes it funny.
16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series? Harry Potter - No. Hunger Games - 1/2 the 1st book. Twilight - Yes.
17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent? british
18. Did your mother go to college? yes, two colleges. 
19. Are your grandparents still married? my grandfather passed away 2 years ago, but they had been married for 65 years up until his death.
20. Have you ever taken karate lessons? no
21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is? does a bear shit in the woods?
22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to? disneyworld
23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in? french or spanish
24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray? gray
25. Is your father bald? getting there
26. Do you know triplets? the girl that played Tori on Saved by the Bell is a triplet. (don't ask me how I know that)
27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook? The Notebook
28. Have you ever had Indian food? no
29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? Chick Fil-A. (or if you're in Greenville definitely try Davini's or Cazbah...those are my favorite in my city)
30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden? like recently? yes...a few months ago.
31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)? no
32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender? My dad said that my mom wanted to name me Clyde (after my maternal great-grandfather), but my mother denies that and says I would have been Andrew.
33. If you have a nickname, what is it? several...Bef, Bizzle, Red, Monk, Sweet Bef
34. Who’s your favorite person in the world? Justin Timberlake (are we supposed to say someone we actually know, because I'm not)
35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs? suburbs for sure.  one that is within in a 5 mile radius of a target.
36. Can you whistle? no
37. Do you sleep with a nightlight? no.  if I watch dateline or ID channel before bed, yes.
38. Do you eat breakfast every morning? yes. never skip a meal.
39. Do you take any pills or medication daily? no, but i probably should.
40. What medical conditions do you have? none that have been diagnosed.
41. How many times have you been to the hospital? 2 - when i was born (obvi) and when I had surgery last fall.
42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo? does a bear shit in the woods?
43. Where do you buy your jeans? gap
44. What’s the last compliment you got? i get so many it's hard to keep up (kidding)...um...maybe someone about my hair color.
45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning? if they are about a cute boy/celeb or a nightmare then yes.
46. What flavor tea do you enjoy? none
47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own? over 20
48. What religion will you raise your children to practice? most likely christian, if any.
49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real? see question 7
50. Why do you have a tumblr? no, I might be too old for that